Monologue from an apparently-not-so-shy girl

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” I am not an introvert. I am not an extrovert. I am shy. I can talk to people. I can make them comfortable and sometimes get uncomfortable in the process. I am at ease when the guy or girl in front of me makes the first “small talk”. I am shivering a little less inside then. I like coming out of my shell even if it is completely intimidating sometimes, my shell is not too far away and if it gets too overwhelming I do find my way way back into it. It makes me look completely hormonal probably, switching demeanor like I am on pills. I break into a loud distinct laughter in the middle of a conversation among an impressionable number of people and then get totally embarrassed and keep shut. I do give the first smile, I do say the first “hey”, I can definitely make the first move, I can break the ice, make a foolish statement and just have everybody laughing. However, in the process, I am still trying to overcome my fear, trying to win a fight with myself and proving myself that I am not an introvert, trying to just be courageous and not show that I am trying. And, You know what, it probably works! ”

– Anonymous

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My gift to mum

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If any of you who are reading this, have read a few of the earlier posts would comprehend by now that I am a little bit into “shitty” humor. So let me warn you, this post might ruin your appetite. I lived at home with parents for about 23 years of my life and never once had to clean the chamber pot in the bathroom. NEVER! I did not live like a princess but yes fortunately I had the good guardian angels with me protecting me from that “shitty” task.

I have lost count of how many times my mum has told me over the years that one day, one fine day, I will understand the importance of living a luxurious life at home, importance of having mum find my stuff for me or organizing stuff for me, importance of basically everything that I was supposed to do but did not do because I had mum one scream away. I am pretty sure almost every other kid at home has heard this from their parents when they complained about having to listen to them and especially having to abide by curfew.

In two months of living away from family and mum , yesterday for the first time in my life I cleaned the chamber pot in the bathroom , like with a brush , with my hand and all (no robot hands etc). I thought of my mum at least about 50 times and how happy (ecstatic / overjoyed / satisfied ) she would be to see me with my hands (holding a brush ) inside the toilet, scraping it! I could literally hear her say “one day you will have to do every thing on your own, even cleaning the pot and you will know the importance of living at home with your parents, and you would think to yourself may be curfew wasn’t all that bad!” I also remember her telling me that right then I would take it in from my right ear and let it out from my left but one day all her words would come back to me . I kept laughing thinking about it. However I do have to disagree on one thing, I do understand how living at home was so much more comfortable , a world where I didn’t have to clean the toilet but I would choose that over a curfew any day! I know its new right now and so I am enjoying it (even cleaning the pot) , as mum had said, initially I would enjoy it and later get tired of it (how do mums know everything?!) , even these words are going to come back to me later again, but for now, I am likin’ it! So mommy, because it was your birthday yesterday, my gift to you was that I cleaned the pot and enjoyed it!

Love and Hugs
Tinni

When a candle burns all night

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Yesterday night I had a candle burning in my room all night and when I woke up my whole room was lit up from the glow of one tiny candle and smelled of wild flowers. After about two months I slept so well in this new place and woke up feeling something, that I could change my life at any time , at any point of time I want. I can stop talking to people who hurt me, and to the ones who play hot and cold with me ( I had never liked that game even as a child ) , I can just care less and enjoy this tiny little insignificant amount of time I have to spend living in this world. I actually have that power in my hands, to give it a serious try to shape how I want my life to be. It is after all up to me. Sounds like I am high right? May be I am, not on booze or drugs though, just on the candle which burnt all night.

Yesterday night I went to bed thinking today I am going to write about the eternal game of sexes that begins every time a boy tries to woo a girl or vice versa. The first level being “lets see who texts first ” the next one being ” lets see who calls first ” and then the most torturous level of the hot and cold game which slowly unravels if the other person is really into the person whose trying to woo or not. The levels keep getting harder and more painful yet every person goes through it so willingly.

However today I don’t want to write about it anymore. I am going to the everglades later and that’s all I know about my day. I am not going to try to figure out anything more. I might think a little bit more about my candle. It gave me a fresh perspective on life. It did make me think that if I could change the way I sleep with just a candle burning in my room all night I could definitely change my life for the better with that same flame burning inside me longer than a night and stronger than before.

New Girl in Miami

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I had asked for a window seat in my flight from Frankfurt to Miami because i was told the view from the window is amazing when you are entering Miami, blue water and white sandy coasts would be there to welcome me. Well guess what! I was welcomed with layers and layers and layers of clouds so thick that I thought I would literally throw up while landing! That was Miami giving me a sneak peak of the next 4 to five years and how they are going to be!(?) 

Its been just a day over 3 weeks now that I am here and all of it has been , well how do i put it , umm, intimidating! That’s the word! when I used to be that cool chick in Calcutta, I would find certain people or may be certain classes intimidating, not the whole freaking place and every little element in it! But, that’s what I chose for myself right? And, therefore it makes me sound petty when i complain. Okay, I am not complaining, this has been exciting, really exciting actually , along with being intimidating. a feeling (like any other feeling as i always say) that one cannot understand if she does not feel it herself! Unless you yourself have traveled half way across the world (9000 miles approximately) on your own to a place where you know nobody, to live there for at least a few years to come, you would not know how this feels. This time I am not exaggerating. Starting right from the prolonged jet lag to getting lost in the university to getting lost and not being able to find your own house to going for your first long drive at night to going for your first dinner out to going for your first movie and finding that first cute guy you like, it is absolutely an adventure! Whats funny and infuriating at the same time? any guesses? Oh yes, you realize, now YOU are the person with an accent. Gahh! Takes you five more minutes to place an order for a sandwich because you have to say mayonnaise three different ways before they get you, having to say most of the things slower than you would usually say them and if you don’t say “T” as “THHI”, you are done, every word you say with a t sounds like one with a d to everybody!

Honestly it has been amazing. I cant say much about Miami except that it does not feel like the U.S.A i saw in so many of those movies and tv series, it just seems like a city by the beach with a lot of palm trees and cool cars with crazy drivers . Its cool though as pedestrians still rule the road! Getting to know this place will take time, and falling in love with something so literally foreign will definitely take longer but I am hopeful! Actually, I am certain. It will be okay, it will all be okay! 

To think and not to over-think

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I recently found this online, and It is not funny!

Is it really true that women obsess to no end about things that really is not that big a deal? I really want to know, and I am extending out this question to anybody who reads this post, please tell me what you think! Especially when it comes to men, why is it so difficult to understand them? Or is it that it is very simple to understand them yet we are the ones who make it difficult on ourselves by over-thinking it, by tying multiple knots on a string that was already untangled and straight and making it even more complicated than it actually was? What is so different in our heads that forces us to make small things bigger and big things gigantic?  Is it true that men really don’t give that much of a thought to something which is probably a big deal in our head?  

I mean seriously, I have been told not once not twice but multiple numbers of times that I am making something too big a deal, blowing it out of proportions and only ending up torturing myself in the process. And, I am also sure, I am not alone. My friends are literally accused of the same too. If I were alone I would just think I have some mental condition and look for help with a shrink!

Did God intend for such a kind of gap to exist between men and women? Did Eve too blew things out of proportion in her head and Adam was happily chewing away an apple? Or did evolution have something to do with it? Or the way society has shaped us? Is it in our genes or is it environmental? May be men go to some school of their own and learn strategies to not think too much, not fret too much, just be spaced out and chilled all the time. Women should just hire spies and learn their trade. May be that is the solution!

I am a student of science, and maybe I should study more on the difference between that single small second X chromosome that we have and the Y chromosome that men have. Is that all it is? The difference in a chromosome and a couple of hormones in the body that is completely fucking our heads up!

To state one but simple example, I might think I had a fight and lose sleep over it, stay up all night to only think that a call back is going to be my only sign, the only sign which will tell me that I wasn’t wrong and then it will be all okay. However on the other side of that fight, there is a guy, sleeping peacefully without even knowing that they had one. How often do the girls have to hear that common line, “Oh, you made it all up in your head.”? What the hell is this? Haven’t we all noticed how girls study and study and look through the pages of the book until the last moment before an exam is about to start? Have you ever noticed the opposite sex? They are chillin away!

I am reading a book by a neuroscientist named V.S.Ramachandran called The Tell Tale Brain. The most fascinating thing that I have come across in this book till now is the presence of a particular type of neurons in the brain called mirror neurons. These mirror neurons are responsible for the plasticity in brain, or in simple words it helps our brain learn from our own experiences and from the other people’s experiences that we get to know in any way. To say in a simple example, when someone drinks water from a glass in front of you, your mirror neurons will trigger the same events in your head and draw mental picture of you drinking water from a glass. Haven’t you noticed, in a room when one person drinks water, simultaneously so many others in the room realizes they are thirsty and drink water too? Anyway, I won’t delve into further technicality of the neurons or the book but these particular neurons really struck my interest. These neurons help us form opinions and basically program us as we grow up hearing the things we hear and seeing the things we see. So does that mean if a boy grows up in a world where every person who he knows or whoever he interacts with thinking he is a girl, it’s going to change the whole dynamics of it? Will he now begin to think just like girls do? Will the vice-versa be true too?  Therefore it is not the X or Y chromosome and the hormones but the mirror neurons?

I know I sound very sexist right now, but sexism is practically existent in the society like some lecherous weed. You cannot get rid of it by just cutting it, you have to find the roots and take it out completely and that is what I am trying to do, trying to find the roots. I am sure I am not the first one talking about this but I am definitely one more person talking about it. Hopefully that counts!

Yes, this post was full of questions and no answer whatsoever coming out of retrospection and introspection of the whole subject matter. But, I am hoping I will be able to get some answers after this. And ladies, please don’t take it personally because I used a lot of generalizations here. I am aware that there are exceptions everywhere, girls who don’t over think and men who go crazy thinking and I love it and respect it.

So let’s chill out arright? Lets try to think about it like a man and come up with answers! (I was trying to sound like a man, did that come out right?)

 

 

The Cassette Player

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The Cassette Player

I went to Bamanpukur yesterday to help out with a medical camp. Even though the whole day, if summed up, turned out to be quite a tragic experience for me (with sudden rains coming down and making every inch of the ground wishy washy making me slip on it countless number of times, getting wet because of no rain coat or umbrella, my slippers getting stuck in the glue like mud everywhere, our car’s tires slipping and getting stuck making us horribly late and us practically covered in mud and rain and last but not the least extremely low number of people turning up for the camp itself) however I, being myself, managed to find little things that made my whole day worthwhile. This being one. Its a cassette player. A big part of my childhood and almost extinct nowadays except in these interior villages where they are still far behind on technology. Being someone who loves to dance to music since a very young age, my parents had gifted one of these but a smaller version to me and my sister when I was around 10 years old. My first precious cassette (the thing which has the music reel and is played in them) was from a particular movie, Kaho Na Pyaar Hai. It was precious because Hrithik Roshan’s debut movie was this and he was my first actor-love (yes, I am aware this is very embarrassing and it is taking me a huge amount of courage to move ahead with this post anyway) . I had watched the movie seven times. I used to play the songs over and over and would imitate his steps to his songs (even more embarrassing, I know!). And, when the cassette reel would get stuck and play the same words over and over again, I would take it out and carefully fix it with a pencil. Roll it in again! Oh my, I am quite sure at least 10 % of my time in childhood would be spent doing that, using a pencil to fix tangled reels and sometimes it would get so unmanageabley tangled that I would give up hope of ever fixing it and started crying over another lost cassette.
This cassette player, here in a village , far far away from my childhood reminded me of all these little things which I thought I had left somewhere back in my hometown. it cheered me up, in between all the rain and all the mud and the smell of medicine, I found my happy place.

Being a girl friend’s girl friend

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ImageMen all around the world after dating their girl for about a year or so show typical signs of boredom towards the relationship. Safe to say the honeymoon period is over and long gone, and multiple fights are most ungraciously welcomed. At this point of time a particular person starts playing a very important and noteworthy role in their lives. The girl friend’s girl friend!

She starts playing the role of a psychologist, analyst, psychiatrist, sibling, a pillow, a self help book, a personal diary, a late night radio station for the woeful and sometimes even a WALL. She listens and nods and provides possible solutions and scenarios and even revenge plans. If nothing seems to cheer her up she just says she has no idea how the whole fucking world can treat her girl friend this way and they are all a bunch of morons and hands her a tub of ice cream ( from a safe distance of course, you never know, a spoonful of it might just come hurling at you without any real intention of hitting you.

However you must be wondering how this particular breed of women managed to accept this job description and carry it out with such grace, without complaints, over centuries (may be I am exaggerating I don’t know!). The answer is, remuneration. That phone call and an elated voice on the other side after a huge fight is over ( with the boy friend of course!) is just enough inspiration needed to prepare her for the same routine all over again. Yes that’s how girls are, suckers for happiness. Suckers for a happy relationship, even if it is not her own but her best friend’s. It gives her just enough hope she needs to believe in her own present/future happy relationship that she has/wants. Lets face it, we all live because of constant hope.

So this is my message to all the boyfriends out there. In that one fine day when you see the most beautiful girl marrying you in front of your families and fiends without a hint of shame or fear in her eyes, make sure to send a thank you note to your wife’s girl friend. If not for her patience and multiple talents ( to be still and not make a single movement, pretending to be a wall is also a talent!) , you would not have been able to keep such a keeper! 

Happy Valentine’s Day!