A dive to 25

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There are like 5 people in this world who really care about whether I am writing or not and if I am not then when would I next write. In reply, I tell them, there is only one combination of things that makes me write, sadness plus free time and in the last many months I have not had either. There are two reasons for that:

  1. I found Mr. C. He keeps me happy and far away from sadness.
  2. I joined a lab as a PhD student and all hell broke loose. Never did I realize it could be this hard, crazy, challenging, demanding to be a graduate student (I had several warnings I agree, but as it’s said you never believe until you see for yourself).

Therefore, what did my life turn into? Waking up going to lab, going to classes, working, studying, tests and quizzes every Monday, writing papers, writing abstracts, more and more and more data analysis, data presentations and to close the deal altogether with crying. Everybody told me it’s hard being a graduate student and guess what, I think it’s harder!

In between everything, I turned 25!

That’s a big deal! Traditionally it’s a quarter of a life and dreadfully I am just 5 years away from the big 3 OH!

Guess what I did to celebrate my oncoming quarter life crisis, I jumped off a perfectly good plane from 18000 feet.

I always told everyone that I wanted to sky dive, that I wanted to see how earth looked from up above and feel like what flying feels like but right at the moment where I was crouching in front of an open airplane door with a stranger strapped to my back, looking down to nothing but white fluffy clouds, I realized this might be the best or the worst mistake in my life. And then, I jumped.

What followed felt like dying, going to heaven and coming back to life. Initially just a whirlwind fall where I passed out for 3 seconds and came back to senses , opened my eyes, saw that I was still falling, going through clouds and rushing towards small brown squares of lands with small green spots, then opened my arms and felt like I was riding air and finally the parachute opened. That jerk over there brought me back to senses and switched my conscious brain back on. Finally I was aware of what was happening, and that I did it, I dived from a plane into nothing and my parachute worked, so I was going to live. That was when I opened my mouth to speak and told a complete stranger that I loved my parents, sister, grandma and Mr. C. and if the same Mr. C. had not jumped out of the same plane before me, I would never have been able to experience those last 2 and a half most surreal minutes of my life. In my defense, I was high then. It was the adrenaline rush going down.

Sky diving is the best mistake I have ever made and may be turning 25 would be the second best. And, now I know, I don’t always need sadness plus free time to write, I need to experience life to write about it!

Until next time,

Tiy.

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Another first post

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I am not apologetic anymore of not writing something in my blog. As usual, I was not short of ideas but I was short of inspiration and motivation, giving too much crap about how so many other and/or new people were affecting my life and now again I am back in my phase of not giving a shit about all of it and just care about my work (which is also sometime soon going to change to giving a bulls crap to all of it). I have realized that anything and everything in my life oscillates like a sinusoidal curve. Up and down. starting from money, body weight, excitement, enjoyment, sadness, irritation and happiness. Its been twelve days into another new year and just like a little kid I still feel happy about getting a chance to have a fresh start, fresh perspective on life every 365 days. More than anything the thing about not knowing what is going to happen in the next 365 days gives me goosebumps. Maybe I am maturing with each passing year because for the first time more than making resolutions for the new year I wanted to list down things I learnt from the last year. Its not a recapitulation of all the bad or good things that happened but of the new ways I learnt to live life in a better way. lets start, shall we?

1. I can most definitely live alone. Make food for myself, clothe myself, pamper myself and in the middle of the night make my way across a huge empty dark house to get a glass of water and not just keep lying thirsty in bed.

2. I can adjust and live with completely new people , harmoniously (by which i mean no fist fights) in one house and actually be happy about it.

3. I am strong in ways I didnt know I was. I can turn my face away from the two people I love the most in this world to walk alone into an airport to board an airplane that would take me halfway across the world away from them. I have the strength to disconnect video calls and not go into fits of depression every time.

4. I can make new friends who don’t necessarily hate me. I can actually have fun with them. They even turn up at midnight to wish you birthday!

5. I learnt to deal with death of someone so fucking close to my heart.

6. I started believing even more strongly in miracles. its a miracle alright when you meet someone you could love among-st a thousand strange faces. Someone who gets you and doesn’t judge you one bit.

7. Most importantly I finally understood that its enough if you have two or three people close to your heart, who don’t tear you apart every now and then, you don’t need more. Its really not size that matters, its quality!

I dont know how this year is going to be for me. I am going to make plans again, I am going to give my all again. I am going to try to make the people around me happy again and only hope that this year is even better than the last one with newer places and faces and old ones right here, close to my heart!

love and hugs,
Tiy

Positive thoughts or just coincidence ?

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When I was 5 years old my sister had taught me to wish on a fallen eye lash. Take the fallen eye lash off of your cheek put on your fist, close your eyes, make a wish and blow it away. If you cant see it when you open your eyes your wish will come true. I am 23 years old now and unless I have been too sweaty where I knew the lash is going to stick to my fist and not fly away , I have wished on a fallen eye lash. Believe it or not every wish I have made has come true. In “the-invisible-beings-who-make-your-wish-come-true” ‘s defense , I have never made wishes that cannot come true. Most of then revolved around some exam or some stuck situation in my or some body else’s life and I wished for it to get better. In the last couple of years I have started putting in deadlines for those wishes just to see if its that accurate, turns out it is.

I read this book called Secret by Rhonda Byrne (okay, I did not finish it but I read most of it) , which said if you think about what you want hard enough and strong enough, if you want it bad enough, you will have it, the world will give it to you. The world is shaped by how we think and your thoughts control everything. I did not like the book, seemed so vaguely stupid to me at that time. However I probably was part of a revolutionary group my past life, I have this unfathomable need to prove things wrong when I think they are wrong, I revolt , strong. So I decided to test it out and to my shock that book was not lying. I cannot list out the things (more appropriately situations) here that changed because I wanted it and thought about it strong enough and hard enough ( even wishing on a fallen eye lash on it) but if you have believed what I have written until now, you will believe this one too. I have not studied that kind of science which can define theories like this but being a person, a normal person whose very basic inclination is to not believe a cockamamie theory ends up thinking may be it was all nothing but coincidence. However is it not too coincidental for it to be coincidental so many times!

Think about it!

Tiy

Monologue from an apparently-not-so-shy girl

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” I am not an introvert. I am not an extrovert. I am shy. I can talk to people. I can make them comfortable and sometimes get uncomfortable in the process. I am at ease when the guy or girl in front of me makes the first “small talk”. I am shivering a little less inside then. I like coming out of my shell even if it is completely intimidating sometimes, my shell is not too far away and if it gets too overwhelming I do find my way way back into it. It makes me look completely hormonal probably, switching demeanor like I am on pills. I break into a loud distinct laughter in the middle of a conversation among an impressionable number of people and then get totally embarrassed and keep shut. I do give the first smile, I do say the first “hey”, I can definitely make the first move, I can break the ice, make a foolish statement and just have everybody laughing. However, in the process, I am still trying to overcome my fear, trying to win a fight with myself and proving myself that I am not an introvert, trying to just be courageous and not show that I am trying. And, You know what, it probably works! ”

– Anonymous

When a candle burns all night

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Yesterday night I had a candle burning in my room all night and when I woke up my whole room was lit up from the glow of one tiny candle and smelled of wild flowers. After about two months I slept so well in this new place and woke up feeling something, that I could change my life at any time , at any point of time I want. I can stop talking to people who hurt me, and to the ones who play hot and cold with me ( I had never liked that game even as a child ) , I can just care less and enjoy this tiny little insignificant amount of time I have to spend living in this world. I actually have that power in my hands, to give it a serious try to shape how I want my life to be. It is after all up to me. Sounds like I am high right? May be I am, not on booze or drugs though, just on the candle which burnt all night.

Yesterday night I went to bed thinking today I am going to write about the eternal game of sexes that begins every time a boy tries to woo a girl or vice versa. The first level being “lets see who texts first ” the next one being ” lets see who calls first ” and then the most torturous level of the hot and cold game which slowly unravels if the other person is really into the person whose trying to woo or not. The levels keep getting harder and more painful yet every person goes through it so willingly.

However today I don’t want to write about it anymore. I am going to the everglades later and that’s all I know about my day. I am not going to try to figure out anything more. I might think a little bit more about my candle. It gave me a fresh perspective on life. It did make me think that if I could change the way I sleep with just a candle burning in my room all night I could definitely change my life for the better with that same flame burning inside me longer than a night and stronger than before.

The Cassette Player

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The Cassette Player

I went to Bamanpukur yesterday to help out with a medical camp. Even though the whole day, if summed up, turned out to be quite a tragic experience for me (with sudden rains coming down and making every inch of the ground wishy washy making me slip on it countless number of times, getting wet because of no rain coat or umbrella, my slippers getting stuck in the glue like mud everywhere, our car’s tires slipping and getting stuck making us horribly late and us practically covered in mud and rain and last but not the least extremely low number of people turning up for the camp itself) however I, being myself, managed to find little things that made my whole day worthwhile. This being one. Its a cassette player. A big part of my childhood and almost extinct nowadays except in these interior villages where they are still far behind on technology. Being someone who loves to dance to music since a very young age, my parents had gifted one of these but a smaller version to me and my sister when I was around 10 years old. My first precious cassette (the thing which has the music reel and is played in them) was from a particular movie, Kaho Na Pyaar Hai. It was precious because Hrithik Roshan’s debut movie was this and he was my first actor-love (yes, I am aware this is very embarrassing and it is taking me a huge amount of courage to move ahead with this post anyway) . I had watched the movie seven times. I used to play the songs over and over and would imitate his steps to his songs (even more embarrassing, I know!). And, when the cassette reel would get stuck and play the same words over and over again, I would take it out and carefully fix it with a pencil. Roll it in again! Oh my, I am quite sure at least 10 % of my time in childhood would be spent doing that, using a pencil to fix tangled reels and sometimes it would get so unmanageabley tangled that I would give up hope of ever fixing it and started crying over another lost cassette.
This cassette player, here in a village , far far away from my childhood reminded me of all these little things which I thought I had left somewhere back in my hometown. it cheered me up, in between all the rain and all the mud and the smell of medicine, I found my happy place.

Being a girl friend’s girl friend

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ImageMen all around the world after dating their girl for about a year or so show typical signs of boredom towards the relationship. Safe to say the honeymoon period is over and long gone, and multiple fights are most ungraciously welcomed. At this point of time a particular person starts playing a very important and noteworthy role in their lives. The girl friend’s girl friend!

She starts playing the role of a psychologist, analyst, psychiatrist, sibling, a pillow, a self help book, a personal diary, a late night radio station for the woeful and sometimes even a WALL. She listens and nods and provides possible solutions and scenarios and even revenge plans. If nothing seems to cheer her up she just says she has no idea how the whole fucking world can treat her girl friend this way and they are all a bunch of morons and hands her a tub of ice cream ( from a safe distance of course, you never know, a spoonful of it might just come hurling at you without any real intention of hitting you.

However you must be wondering how this particular breed of women managed to accept this job description and carry it out with such grace, without complaints, over centuries (may be I am exaggerating I don’t know!). The answer is, remuneration. That phone call and an elated voice on the other side after a huge fight is over ( with the boy friend of course!) is just enough inspiration needed to prepare her for the same routine all over again. Yes that’s how girls are, suckers for happiness. Suckers for a happy relationship, even if it is not her own but her best friend’s. It gives her just enough hope she needs to believe in her own present/future happy relationship that she has/wants. Lets face it, we all live because of constant hope.

So this is my message to all the boyfriends out there. In that one fine day when you see the most beautiful girl marrying you in front of your families and fiends without a hint of shame or fear in her eyes, make sure to send a thank you note to your wife’s girl friend. If not for her patience and multiple talents ( to be still and not make a single movement, pretending to be a wall is also a talent!) , you would not have been able to keep such a keeper! 

Happy Valentine’s Day!