A dive to 25

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There are like 5 people in this world who really care about whether I am writing or not and if I am not then when would I next write. In reply, I tell them, there is only one combination of things that makes me write, sadness plus free time and in the last many months I have not had either. There are two reasons for that:

  1. I found Mr. C. He keeps me happy and far away from sadness.
  2. I joined a lab as a PhD student and all hell broke loose. Never did I realize it could be this hard, crazy, challenging, demanding to be a graduate student (I had several warnings I agree, but as it’s said you never believe until you see for yourself).

Therefore, what did my life turn into? Waking up going to lab, going to classes, working, studying, tests and quizzes every Monday, writing papers, writing abstracts, more and more and more data analysis, data presentations and to close the deal altogether with crying. Everybody told me it’s hard being a graduate student and guess what, I think it’s harder!

In between everything, I turned 25!

That’s a big deal! Traditionally it’s a quarter of a life and dreadfully I am just 5 years away from the big 3 OH!

Guess what I did to celebrate my oncoming quarter life crisis, I jumped off a perfectly good plane from 18000 feet.

I always told everyone that I wanted to sky dive, that I wanted to see how earth looked from up above and feel like what flying feels like but right at the moment where I was crouching in front of an open airplane door with a stranger strapped to my back, looking down to nothing but white fluffy clouds, I realized this might be the best or the worst mistake in my life. And then, I jumped.

What followed felt like dying, going to heaven and coming back to life. Initially just a whirlwind fall where I passed out for 3 seconds and came back to senses , opened my eyes, saw that I was still falling, going through clouds and rushing towards small brown squares of lands with small green spots, then opened my arms and felt like I was riding air and finally the parachute opened. That jerk over there brought me back to senses and switched my conscious brain back on. Finally I was aware of what was happening, and that I did it, I dived from a plane into nothing and my parachute worked, so I was going to live. That was when I opened my mouth to speak and told a complete stranger that I loved my parents, sister, grandma and Mr. C. and if the same Mr. C. had not jumped out of the same plane before me, I would never have been able to experience those last 2 and a half most surreal minutes of my life. In my defense, I was high then. It was the adrenaline rush going down.

Sky diving is the best mistake I have ever made and may be turning 25 would be the second best. And, now I know, I don’t always need sadness plus free time to write, I need to experience life to write about it!

Until next time,

Tiy.

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New Girl in Miami

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I had asked for a window seat in my flight from Frankfurt to Miami because i was told the view from the window is amazing when you are entering Miami, blue water and white sandy coasts would be there to welcome me. Well guess what! I was welcomed with layers and layers and layers of clouds so thick that I thought I would literally throw up while landing! That was Miami giving me a sneak peak of the next 4 to five years and how they are going to be!(?) 

Its been just a day over 3 weeks now that I am here and all of it has been , well how do i put it , umm, intimidating! That’s the word! when I used to be that cool chick in Calcutta, I would find certain people or may be certain classes intimidating, not the whole freaking place and every little element in it! But, that’s what I chose for myself right? And, therefore it makes me sound petty when i complain. Okay, I am not complaining, this has been exciting, really exciting actually , along with being intimidating. a feeling (like any other feeling as i always say) that one cannot understand if she does not feel it herself! Unless you yourself have traveled half way across the world (9000 miles approximately) on your own to a place where you know nobody, to live there for at least a few years to come, you would not know how this feels. This time I am not exaggerating. Starting right from the prolonged jet lag to getting lost in the university to getting lost and not being able to find your own house to going for your first long drive at night to going for your first dinner out to going for your first movie and finding that first cute guy you like, it is absolutely an adventure! Whats funny and infuriating at the same time? any guesses? Oh yes, you realize, now YOU are the person with an accent. Gahh! Takes you five more minutes to place an order for a sandwich because you have to say mayonnaise three different ways before they get you, having to say most of the things slower than you would usually say them and if you don’t say “T” as “THHI”, you are done, every word you say with a t sounds like one with a d to everybody!

Honestly it has been amazing. I cant say much about Miami except that it does not feel like the U.S.A i saw in so many of those movies and tv series, it just seems like a city by the beach with a lot of palm trees and cool cars with crazy drivers . Its cool though as pedestrians still rule the road! Getting to know this place will take time, and falling in love with something so literally foreign will definitely take longer but I am hopeful! Actually, I am certain. It will be okay, it will all be okay! 

To think and not to over-think

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I recently found this online, and It is not funny!

Is it really true that women obsess to no end about things that really is not that big a deal? I really want to know, and I am extending out this question to anybody who reads this post, please tell me what you think! Especially when it comes to men, why is it so difficult to understand them? Or is it that it is very simple to understand them yet we are the ones who make it difficult on ourselves by over-thinking it, by tying multiple knots on a string that was already untangled and straight and making it even more complicated than it actually was? What is so different in our heads that forces us to make small things bigger and big things gigantic?  Is it true that men really don’t give that much of a thought to something which is probably a big deal in our head?  

I mean seriously, I have been told not once not twice but multiple numbers of times that I am making something too big a deal, blowing it out of proportions and only ending up torturing myself in the process. And, I am also sure, I am not alone. My friends are literally accused of the same too. If I were alone I would just think I have some mental condition and look for help with a shrink!

Did God intend for such a kind of gap to exist between men and women? Did Eve too blew things out of proportion in her head and Adam was happily chewing away an apple? Or did evolution have something to do with it? Or the way society has shaped us? Is it in our genes or is it environmental? May be men go to some school of their own and learn strategies to not think too much, not fret too much, just be spaced out and chilled all the time. Women should just hire spies and learn their trade. May be that is the solution!

I am a student of science, and maybe I should study more on the difference between that single small second X chromosome that we have and the Y chromosome that men have. Is that all it is? The difference in a chromosome and a couple of hormones in the body that is completely fucking our heads up!

To state one but simple example, I might think I had a fight and lose sleep over it, stay up all night to only think that a call back is going to be my only sign, the only sign which will tell me that I wasn’t wrong and then it will be all okay. However on the other side of that fight, there is a guy, sleeping peacefully without even knowing that they had one. How often do the girls have to hear that common line, “Oh, you made it all up in your head.”? What the hell is this? Haven’t we all noticed how girls study and study and look through the pages of the book until the last moment before an exam is about to start? Have you ever noticed the opposite sex? They are chillin away!

I am reading a book by a neuroscientist named V.S.Ramachandran called The Tell Tale Brain. The most fascinating thing that I have come across in this book till now is the presence of a particular type of neurons in the brain called mirror neurons. These mirror neurons are responsible for the plasticity in brain, or in simple words it helps our brain learn from our own experiences and from the other people’s experiences that we get to know in any way. To say in a simple example, when someone drinks water from a glass in front of you, your mirror neurons will trigger the same events in your head and draw mental picture of you drinking water from a glass. Haven’t you noticed, in a room when one person drinks water, simultaneously so many others in the room realizes they are thirsty and drink water too? Anyway, I won’t delve into further technicality of the neurons or the book but these particular neurons really struck my interest. These neurons help us form opinions and basically program us as we grow up hearing the things we hear and seeing the things we see. So does that mean if a boy grows up in a world where every person who he knows or whoever he interacts with thinking he is a girl, it’s going to change the whole dynamics of it? Will he now begin to think just like girls do? Will the vice-versa be true too?  Therefore it is not the X or Y chromosome and the hormones but the mirror neurons?

I know I sound very sexist right now, but sexism is practically existent in the society like some lecherous weed. You cannot get rid of it by just cutting it, you have to find the roots and take it out completely and that is what I am trying to do, trying to find the roots. I am sure I am not the first one talking about this but I am definitely one more person talking about it. Hopefully that counts!

Yes, this post was full of questions and no answer whatsoever coming out of retrospection and introspection of the whole subject matter. But, I am hoping I will be able to get some answers after this. And ladies, please don’t take it personally because I used a lot of generalizations here. I am aware that there are exceptions everywhere, girls who don’t over think and men who go crazy thinking and I love it and respect it.

So let’s chill out arright? Lets try to think about it like a man and come up with answers! (I was trying to sound like a man, did that come out right?)

 

 

Being a girl friend’s girl friend

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ImageMen all around the world after dating their girl for about a year or so show typical signs of boredom towards the relationship. Safe to say the honeymoon period is over and long gone, and multiple fights are most ungraciously welcomed. At this point of time a particular person starts playing a very important and noteworthy role in their lives. The girl friend’s girl friend!

She starts playing the role of a psychologist, analyst, psychiatrist, sibling, a pillow, a self help book, a personal diary, a late night radio station for the woeful and sometimes even a WALL. She listens and nods and provides possible solutions and scenarios and even revenge plans. If nothing seems to cheer her up she just says she has no idea how the whole fucking world can treat her girl friend this way and they are all a bunch of morons and hands her a tub of ice cream ( from a safe distance of course, you never know, a spoonful of it might just come hurling at you without any real intention of hitting you.

However you must be wondering how this particular breed of women managed to accept this job description and carry it out with such grace, without complaints, over centuries (may be I am exaggerating I don’t know!). The answer is, remuneration. That phone call and an elated voice on the other side after a huge fight is over ( with the boy friend of course!) is just enough inspiration needed to prepare her for the same routine all over again. Yes that’s how girls are, suckers for happiness. Suckers for a happy relationship, even if it is not her own but her best friend’s. It gives her just enough hope she needs to believe in her own present/future happy relationship that she has/wants. Lets face it, we all live because of constant hope.

So this is my message to all the boyfriends out there. In that one fine day when you see the most beautiful girl marrying you in front of your families and fiends without a hint of shame or fear in her eyes, make sure to send a thank you note to your wife’s girl friend. If not for her patience and multiple talents ( to be still and not make a single movement, pretending to be a wall is also a talent!) , you would not have been able to keep such a keeper! 

Happy Valentine’s Day! 

Are you a door mat?

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In the first place, it has been quite long that I have written anything in this blog. Blah blah half written posts in microsoft word blah blah could not find inspiration blah blah. Only thing is I had been lazy, super lazy. Lazy to even think. So, after a long, absolutely unadventurous day in which I spent major part of it watching some american sitcom and waiting for a call, I realized I absolutely wasted a day. Now in the last few months I have wasted a lot of days ( I have utilized few too, don’t have to feel sad for me yet!) doing exactly the same thing I did today but some how or the other it turned out differently by the end of it. May be the call made the difference or I was just too blinded or deafened to notice! Well, I think I reached my breaking point today!

Many people reach breaking points in lots of situations or conditions, for example too tired of a relationship or a friendship or a job or even a hobby or someones attitude or someones disrespect. A breaking point leads to the end of tolerating that particular condition or situation, and to my imagination, I always thought,  it would be preceded by a massive, like in gigantic proportions, a drum roll. However mine had no drum roll in it, only a pathetic growl from meercat (yes, I substituted this for something else) to tell me what a waste my whole day was, waste of mental energy, waste of emotional energy. It brought back memories from all those times in the last so many years when I have invested mental and emotional energy in doing exactly the same thing over and over again. whose fault is this? the numerous people that I have expected to do something,and they didn’t?  The numerous people who treated me like a door mat and I let them? The numerous people who I definitely thought were close to me showed me over and over that they weren’t? (okay, again, I have lovely people in my life too and this doesn’t apply to them, so dont feel sorry for me yet!) Naaaaah! It was my fault. Only I am to be blamed. I let them. And, this might be because of a particular drawback of mine, I have no sense of perception. I can never understand how a person actually is, I take them for their face value, believe them for who they show them to be. Right after being a very jealous woman in the first postion, this comes second in the list of,  ” Things God got wrong about Tiyash”.

So coming back to my breaking point, it was strong enough to make me write this blog. Now I know making new year resolutions is one the dumbest things people can do. No one sticks to them and its just a way to console yourself. So this resolution that I am making is not a new years one, but a ‘new me’ one. I am so so far from awesome that every day it will be my motive to try to learn from the curve balls live throws at me and keep making small adjustments and fittings day by day so that one day I can say I have learnt from life and tried to get as close to that awesome human being that one can be! Hence my resolution, ” I am not going to be a door mat anymore” or at least try my hardest, I mean it.

And to the readers of this particular post ( which I am sure I will be able to baby count them on my fingers) stop being a door mat! I hope you reach your breaking point sooner than I did, trust me when I say it is not a joy ride! So what say , its time for them to stop taking candies out of my bag and start putting in some goodies into it just as returning
a favor to begin with! 😉 

door mat

The Theory

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I have only completed about 23  of my life right now and amongst everything that I have learnt from life experiences, I have learnt something very interesting and important. How you feel right inside (sometimes in the throat, sometimes in the chest and sometimes even in the stomach) when you see someone after a considerable amount of time of not seeing them tells you so much about how exactly you feel about that person. Sometimes it gives you the same feeling it used to be but sometimes you just get a different feeling altogether. It can be a feeling of irritation and then you know you never really liked the person even though you might have pretended well earlier to the point of even making yourself believe that u like him/her. It can be a feeling of relief and you know some how you care for that person. You might not be best buds and all but you care, and so you feel relieved to know the person is still present in this planet. It can be a butterflies in your stomach feeling. That is a sure proof that even if you never knew you had a crush on him/her, now you can be pretty sure that you definitely do. Another factor that has to be considered is how long you knew or interacted with that person for. If its long enough, like your child-hood best friend or your parents or your sister, there is only one feeling you get when you see them after a long time. Pure happiness. It assures you that these are the people who are meant to be in your life, forever, when you might not have any of the above mentioned people in your life. However this theory of not-seeing-someone-for-a-long-time-and-then-seeing-them works best for people you have known for a lesser amount of time. For obvious reasons of course, your mind or heart has not yet decided about the person’s long term existence in your life. Now there is this one feeling you get of surety , of comfort and calm when you see that person after a long time. The restlessness you have been having say for the last few days disappears. Be assured my love, this person is going to mean something much more than what you feel about him/her right now. Now there is just one contradiction. Sometimes just say like once out of a 100, there might come a feeling of confusion, when you don’t know if you are happy or sad or excited or relieved or you just feel plain blah or you feel an interesting mix of all the feelings after seeing that someone. What then is the significance of that person in your life? Although I do believe ‘mixed-feelings’ can be thrilling, like some of those Mexican chilli pickled mangoes which make your taste buds go nuts, makes your mouth salivate like crazy, where you don’t want to but can’t help feeling excited like a stupid person to salivate that much (you see the brain goes ahead to deduce salivating as a normal phenomenon which occurs due to some form of excitation). So someone who can give you these mixed feelings, what role is that person supposed to play in your life? May be I would need another couple of years to figure that out, or may be it doesn’t need figuring out. So these mixed-feelings can play the role of null or void for the theory. The point where the theory starts to do a dancing jiggle and jumps out of the window and ceases to exist!

The Inside Story

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DAY 1

Last few days have been a little hard on me. From my nice big room which had enough air and sunlight in it, where I was given fresh food ( even though it tasted same every day), I came into this small room which smells a lot of pee and shit and is very noisy. The same species of people who used to give me food and water in my previous room, live in this room too but they are so lazy. They don’t bother to change my water bottle or the food or the husk where I pee and shit . Now, I have got used to the fact by now that I have to live in this weird metal mesh top box like structure but the other-room-people at least gave me a fresh and clean box every day. A relief is that I have my friends with me, these two other guys have been living with me for as long as I can remember. They even helped me get the attention of this girl I liked in one of the other boxes. I used to lift myself up with the help of these friends and do swings by hanging myself on the metal mesh. I saw her smile twice and boy that made my day! However, all that is history now. I have to live in this shitty room which doesn’t have enough cool air and most strangely, sun rises and sets differently in this room. Even my sleep is disturbed. I hate this world.
DAY 5
I am so worried. One of those people just grabbed one of my friends and took him out of my box right now. And it’s been over an hour and he is not back, I can’t even see anything beyond it’s long two limbs to see what it is doing to him. Oh I hope he is okay!
DAY 6
My friend is not back. I think they did something to him. I am beginning to hate this world’s people. Today they crossed all limits. They grabbed me, put me on a table first. When I tried to escape to go back my box they pulled my tail in a way that I could not move a single body part. Then they lifted me up to face them and right there I saw two things. Something very sharp and pointed coming at me and the people/animal’s face who was holding me. It put that pointy thing inside my throat and some bitter thick semi solid stuff went inside and I was almost about to choke. I coughed bad and opened my eyes to see that the animal was smiling. So my pain made it smile. I felt sad and disgusted with it. It did the same thing to me two times more till I was put back in the box. I complained over and over again to my only friend in my box and he tried to calm me down till I just got tired and fell asleep.
DAY 10
The people have been doing the same thing to me over and over again every day for the last 5 days. My friend had been spared so he was strong enough to support me through this. Today however when they took me out to do it again, I had decided I would try my best to run and not give up this time. I was surprised the animal who took me out today, looked smaller, had bigger hair from the head and looked a little scared. I was happy. This was my chance. The moment it tried to hold me tight I turned my head and bit the finger holding me, so tight that I did not let it go even when the screams filled my ears. The animal jerked it’s hand and let me go and I ran for my life. Suddenly when I was just about to jump off, take my leap of faith,  I was grabbed with my tail, and held so tight that I felt all the air being pushed out of my lungs. The animal turned me to face it’s face and then I saw, that big face with hair over the face and a beaming smile and suddenly I felt something very sharp and pointed prick my stomach. The pain was too much to take, my insides started burning. Right after I was laid down on this cold place on my back and that animal started pushing pointed things right through my hands and legs to get me stuck to that cold place. Oh god, it was better they killed me. So much for trying to run away. Finally it started to fade, and then It was all dark.

I was scampering around to see what they were doing to him, I could not jump out of it to save him, they had me enclosed in a place with huge walls. Why were they tearing out his insides, will he live after this? Did they kill him? My heart was racing so fast. They did not force feed me the same way, will they do the same to me? And suddenly I saw that bearded faced animal’s hands coming to grasp me with something very sharp and pointed held in the other hand and I knew what was going to happen. Numbness spread through my body and in that last moment of my life all I could think was, dear god, don’t make anyone else ever be born as a lab-rat!

( My attempt to feel a tiny little portion of the immense pain that these little white lab rats go through every day. A tribute to them who sacrifice (or we forcefully take) their lives for a better future for us,Human Beings.)

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